


A Good Kick in the Shins

by hiddenlongings



Category: Stargate Atlantis, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Consort Bilbo Baggins, Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-17 18:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4676096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddenlongings/pseuds/hiddenlongings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How was Bilbo supposed to know that the strange circle was going to turn blue and liquid. It's not his fault he fell into it. It's NOT!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Good Kick in the Shins

* * *

Bilbo will admit that perhaps he has a touch more curiosity than could be considered quite proper for a Hobbit.  That doesn't make his current predicament his fault however.  How was Bilbo supposed to know that the strange circle was going to turn blue and liquid. It's not his fault he fell into it. It's NOT!

It's Fili's.

And possibly Thorin's, just because.

Erebor had been prospering for years and the mines had slowly expanded as the population swelled. The newer shaft that had been started had only been worked on for a couple of months before it opened into a previously undiscovered chamber that had brought the dwarrows mining that particular shaft scampering towards the Elder Council that presided over such things.

The Council proceeded to scamper, a little less limberly, into one of the King Under the Mountain's morning meetings.  Thorin was perhaps a touch too eager to go and investigate the matter himself. Though to be fair he had been buried beard deep in a less than thrilling recounting of the current years dismal harvest.  Bilbo had been a touch more interested than his husband, but even he had started to yawn over the dry recitation of numbers. Planting and caring for plants was interesting, reading about the number of bushels per acre was less so.

They had both left the room with light eager feet that had quickly brought them to the newly discovered chamber.  Neither of them had bothered to wake Fili who had been softly snoring into his own copy for nearly fifteen minutes when the silent gathering had been interrupted.  Perhaps a mistake on both their parts Bilbo admitted.

The young Prince had always been. Enthusiastic.

Bilbo and Thorin had slowly circled the massive ring that had been entombed for countless decades and studied the strange markings that covered its stony surface.  Bilbo had carefully edged his way up the ramp to get closer to the ring as he saw a half familiar rune that he could almost recognize.

The confluence of events that followed was improbable and completely ridiculous.

Fili bolted into the room with a crashing clatter of sword and armor as he took a turn too sharply and skidded wildly into the room.  Bilbo turned sharply, startled by the sudden cacophony and his heel caught on a stray pile of stones that had landed on the ramp and he tripped backwards with a helpless flail.

Straight into the sudden rippling blue that whooshed into existence in the center of the ring. 

Bilbo's last sight before the liquid covered him completely was Thorin's dumbfounded face that was only just beginning to contort into a horrified grimace before he completed his tumble and landed on the other side of the ring.

Or rather the other side of a different ring that was surrounded by similarly dumbfounded Men that looked down at him with swiftly raising eyebrows and what could only be weapons pointed down at him.

"Oh." Bilbo gasped as he tried to regain the air that had been knocked out of him sitting up a little so he could stop looking up the Men's noses. "Botheration. Who in Middle Earth are _you?_ "

The seeming leader of the men, his hair spiking up strangely, leaned a little closer to peer at Bilbo with an unwelcoming frown.

When he opened his mouth to respond the words were complete gibberish to Bilbo.

Of course they were. If it weren't for bad luck Bilbo would have no luck at all.

* * *

John had seen a lot of things over the last couple of years. Space vampires were at the top of the freaky weird, that ain't right, list. But the creature that had come tumbling ass over ankle out of the Stargate moments after they had opened it was heading towards the top ten.

The creature was a tiny little thing, barely waist high, with bare feet that were covered in a curly mass of honey colored hair. He had landed with a terrific huff as the breath was knocked out of him and he had taken one look at the soldiers surrounded him and his eyes had gone wide and his face pale.

It shouldn't have surprised John that his words, when they finally came out with what could only be exasperation, weren't in English. It did though, the rest of this universe seemed to speak at least a type of English but not this little fellow.

"And just who the  _HELL_ are you?"

It also shouldn't have surprised him that something, or rather someone, else came barreling out of the Stargate moments later. Sheppard sent a helpless glare Chuck's way as the man finally pressed the buttons necessary to close the gate effectively trapping the two aliens in with them but also making sure that no more surprises came through.

He was very...hairy.

Lots of beard, long hair, and not topping much more than 5 foot.

He also looked _pissed_.

He wore a glimmering platinum crown perched on his gray streaked hair decorated with enough gems to make Sheppard whistle low as he got a good look at it.

And a sword. A big one, that looked really sharp as he pulled it out of its scabbard.

The small, but nowhere near as small as the first one, alien had been bellowing something as he came crashing through the gate and he continued to yell as he pulled his sword.

Probably curse words.

The (more) hairy one said something guttural and spat on the ground.

Definitely curse words.

The tiny blonde seemed to recover from his stupor at that point and regained his feet with an utter lack of grace.  As soon as he was sturdily back on his feet he whapped the larger alien on the arm and started scolding him.

Well at least it  _sounded_ like scolding and the taller one scuffed one of his booted feet on the ground and sheathed his sword with a begrudging pout on his face that quickly disappeared into stoic man pain as the blonde stared at him. His arms were crossed and one oversized foot was tapping pointedly on the ground. When he uncrossed his arms it was only to jab a pointed finger directly at John.

That particular gesture and whatever quiet/hissed words the little creature said made the taller one huff up with annoyance before he sighed and turned to face John.

John arched an inquiring brow at the medievally armed alien.

This seemed to anger (make more angry?) the little fellow as his scowl turned into bared teeth for a moment before he clicked his heels together neatly, and pressing his right hand to his chest, bowed to John.

"Uh...Apology accepted?"

The crowned alien snorted his agreement and he peered around at the other soldiers that surrounded him with what looked like a mix of honest curiosity and a touch of fear.  The guns were given a distrustful glance and he kept edging in front of his (husband?) companion who peered around his much broader bulk with what looked like well worn resignation.

John was at something of a loss as to what to do with these unexpected guests.

Fortunately that most pressing question was answered as the gate's metal shield retracted and it began to glow a liquid blue again all without Chuck pressing a single button.

The man that strode through the gate should have looked ridiculous. All gray beard, which was split neatly down the middle by some unseen wind, that flowed backwards over each shoulder and a baggy mix of sparkly white clothing and hat that flowed just as becomingly. Honestly John had a hard time not scrabbling backwards though as he felt a familiar power sweep through the room.

Great. Perfect. Of course.

Another. Fucking. Ancient.

* * *

 

Thorin had never been so happy to see Gandalf in all of his long life. If it wouldn't have been beneath him he would have hugged the wizard around the waist.  He could still feel Bilbo's eyes glaring into his back and the leader of the Men looked to be heading towards very angry as well at the moment.

"Gandalf." Thorin rumbled and he couldn't keep the honest to Aule warmth out of his voice.

That warmth died a quick death when Gandalf patted him gently on the head before he turned to face the Men that were growing ever more restless around them. Men that seemed to be armed with a different sort of weaponry than he had ever seen before. They were kept at the Men's hips with a crossbody strap that seemed to be as much about holding up the obviously substantial weapon as it was about keeping the weapon close to them. He didn't want to know what a weapon that was kept that close to the body could do.

Seeing Bilbo fall backwards through the rippling waters of the circle had been a horror and Thorin would never admit to it but there had been a moment of shocked frozen stillness of all of the dwarrows in the room. None of them had moved for several long moments and when they finally did the cacophony was deafening.  

Fili's face turned white as he stared for a fixed moment at the water before he turned to face Thorin with his hands up pleadingly. Thorin wasn't sure if he wanted to fall to his knees and wail, slap Fili as hard as he could upside the head, or slap a hand across his own face at the utter ridiculousness that was his life.

He decided on the third option while leaving the two free for a possible future.

Then he hitched his sword back into place on his waist and bolted straight into the blue waters before the other Dwarrows could protest the possible loss of the King Under the Mountain.

He had two heirs. If the Council decided to murder Fili, Kili would be a reasonable King. A reasonable King whose mother was the true power behind the throne but a reasonable King nonetheless.

But back to the pat on the head. Thorin found himself snarling at Gandalf and straightening his slightly askew crown with a grumbling curse that earned him a swift kick in the heel from his doting Consort.

What a day. 

He was still peeved about the crown ruffling but Thorin couldn't bring himself to protest when Gandalf planted himself firmly in front of both of them. His diaphanous robes spreading wide enough to cover them both from the now seriously angry leader of the Men that was looking at Gandalf as though he was the second coming of Sauron.

Thorin wasn't known for huddling but he was willing enough to hide behind these particular skirts.  

Gandalf as always seemed to know more about what was going on then anybody else.

 

* * *

 

John was just about ready to start shooting and ask questions later when the freakishly white robed (seriously how did he do that? Bleach?) old guy opened his mouth and honest to God English came out.

That shouldn't have been such a relief but it was.

"This is a series of rather unfortunate events isn't it."

"What the Hell are you doing here?"

John didn't want to say the old man shuffled but it was close as he stared sheepishly at the staff that he was idly spinning in his hands.

"I may have uh _forgotten_ that I hid the Stargate in that particular mountain a couple of millennia ago."

 "You  _forgot?"_

"Yes well these things happen."

"Yes." John said dryly. "Frequently."

"It was an honest mistake. I would beg your forgiveness and have us all go our separate ways."

John sighed, tired beyond all reason after such a short day, and pinched his nose between his fingers to try and stave off the headache that was threatening to consume him.

"I'll forget your address, you'll forget mine kind of thing?"

"Exactly." the Ancient positively beamed.

Maybe a year ago John would have had the energy to start a fight but at this point he just wanted the day to be over.

"Fine. Yes. Agreed. Bye."

The old man bowed deeply and began to usher his two smaller charges back through the still glowing gate. 

"Wait!" Rodney said as he scrabbled breathlessly into the Gate room. John manfully resisted the urge to smack a hand across his best friends mouth. He did not want this conversation to continue.

The Ancient turned around and looked sorrowfully at Rodney and shook his head before the question could even come out of his mouth.

"We do not have what you seek. 

Rodney deflated with a swift pout.

"How do you know that."

"My ship was long ago destroyed.  Only five of us survived and none of us were able to recover a ZPM." The old man said gently.

"Please go." John's words were muffled as he said them this time with both of his hands over his face.

"I'm going. I'm going. Men, the same on every world. Peace be with you."

With that all three of the strange entities slid through the Stargate and the blue water dimmed and vanished immediately.

"Oh thank God. You heard him Chuck, delete that address. Do it now."

"What!" Rodney squawked. "You're just going to take his word for it?"

"Yes I am Rodney. And guess what?"

"What?"

John leaned forward and grabbed both of Rodney's shoulders in his as he shook the genius hard.

"So. Are. You."


End file.
